toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
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