she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
No more Irish car bombs ever.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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