awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
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