I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
