sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Randomize
