I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
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