Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
