Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
