Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
