I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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