Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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