I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
