and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
