just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
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