I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Is it wrong to beat off to a girl to determine if you like her or not?
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
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