Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
