i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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