I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Randomize
