you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Randomize
