I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
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