i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
Question. If Kwik Trip and Kum and Go were to merge, what would they call it? Kwik Kum or Kum Kwik?
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
