Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
