Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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