remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
The beer is more important than you right now.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I pour the whiskey from now on
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Randomize
