he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
