I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
