dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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