i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
