phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
