If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
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