alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
