Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Randomize
