I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
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