she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Just pee around me
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
