A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Randomize
