i wish there were pregnant emoticons
stop calling my apartment porn island.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Randomize
