Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Randomize
