the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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