the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
Randomize
