her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
Randomize
