I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize
