the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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