I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Randomize
