I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
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