I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I am available for nakedness
Randomize
