Duck Duck Cougar?
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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