How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
I currently don't understand fingers.
Randomize
