she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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