We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
