I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
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