just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
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