the condom got lost in my hair
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
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